how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
