every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
