he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
wow bdsm is so cute
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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