watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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