dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So much Jack, so little girl.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
