I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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