wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
