nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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