As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
