You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
