it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
