so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
