This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
