She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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