Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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