The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
