i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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