Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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