I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
