I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
