ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
