I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
