Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
