for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
