Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
