i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
