I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
