I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
