So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
