After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
