So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
