lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
