I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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