I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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