I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
