if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
