ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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