I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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