Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
