the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
