I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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