I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
