The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
