when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I skipped work to stalk him.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
