Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
