once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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