Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
