I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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