I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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