The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
