Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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