So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.