my phone needs a breathalizer
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!