Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
