You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
