ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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