btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
