Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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