Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
